what is wrong with me

why don't I fit in?

It’s probably about the people who I surround myself with because somewhere out there someone would match me, but I went to a party where I knew 85% of the people and I was bored. I was bored and felt bad about it the entire night.
The conversations weren’t stimulating enough and neither were the activities. All I could think about that night was going home and doing something, I mean like really doing something that creates something. I had baked for the party and it just didn’t feel like enough. I had worked out before the party but I was still full of energy.
What hurt was not being able to find someone to match my desire. My desire to learn and experience something new. I had even found myself considering what I could take with me to entertain myself but my standards were too high. I didn’t want to seem uninviting to the people around me and a part of me didn’t want to be made fun of. A part of didn’t want to be the one asking the hosts whether it’s okay if I bring an activity and a part of me didn’t want to be the leader. I didn’t want to be the one who then has people wanting to join and all of a sudden you made a focus on something that you then feel guilty of. But you also didn’t want to plan upfront with the host and slam your ideas into their party.
So you went and set there, feeling bad that you didn’t quite enjoy it.
You feel bad that you would have loved to at least knit during conversations, or to paint, draw or craft something for the fun of it.
I mean just imagine everyone getting to make their own paper crown with gems and glitter and wearing them afterwards, taking them home as a memory. Imagine painting mandalas that we all get to keep while we have the same conversations we had anyway, but we don’t just sit and smoke.
What if we would have made our own board game and got to play it afterwards? What if we would have made mini versions of us out of paper cut to match our features and then hung it up as decoration and memory with all of us next to each other?
We could have still had conversations while being crafty, we could have still smoked and drank and enjoyed each others company, but it would have been fun to me.

And yes I could have done all that, I could have stayed home, I could have done so many things. But instead I set at a party feeling bad about myself and questioning what is wrong with me and whether I am alone in those thoughts. Was it just me?
But wouldn’t they have planned something like that if they wanted it? Wouldn’t they do it whether I was there or not?
I just don’t know.
But I know that I feel like I don’t want to sit around and do nothing like that at the moment and maybe that is what is wrong with me. Maybe I should learn to fit in more. Maybe it’s something I should fix. Or maybe I should get comfortable in becoming the one who initiates and therefore leads activities.
I do believe that there would be people who would join and enjoy it, but I just don’t know if I would enjoy myself or whether I would get stuck on the realisation that it’s always me coming up with ideas and making them happen.

And I am a bit jealous of the people who I know have friends they do crafty nights with. People who meet up and paint candles together, they bake and they knit together. But when I suggested to a friend a cocktail night where we could get all creative and come up with new drinks he met me with: ‘but there would be soo many leftovers that we would need to do it for like 3 days in a row’. (I just wanted a pink glitter cocktail :( )
To be honest that broke me. I wanted someone to meet me in my enthusiasm. I wanted someone to share my desire to experiment and try out stuff. I wanted someone to be my friend, but he didn’t feel like a friend just there.
But maybe it’s something wrong with me or maybe I didn’t communicate well enough. Maybe I have unrealistic expectations, maybe I want something that won’t happen.

So I set myself down, took a breath and wrote this, so that I could let it go. I can craft alone, I can make myself a crown with glitter and sparkles. I can teach myself how to make banger mocktails and cocktails. I can paint and draw and knit on my own. But when they stand there all impressed or stand there and make fun of me, I will know that I stayed with me instead of blending in with a society and a habit that I didn’t want to. Even when it was easier to go with the group and tone myself down, I would have chosen me, unapologetically and truly.
So when I get invited the next time I might just say no or be even more honest and say:

‘I really want to do something crafty tonight and I fear that that won’t match tonights plans, so I will stop by for an hour, but please forgive me when I don’t stay
cause I really want to get to do this project and am really excited about it.’

and I will hold my breath and hope that it won’t change their love for me. I still want to be loved, even when I don’t fit in.
Maybe that’s what is wrong with me. Maybe I want love from people who can’t love me like that.

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thanks for reading :))
wishing you sunshine in your life 🔆