we never forced you to

such a delicate topic, such a strong sentence.

we never forced you to.

no, no you didn’t.
you created pressure.
pressure build on the wellbeing of others and asked me whether i put myself and my needs above them.

you saw my good hearted nature and decided not to protect it.
decided to use it until it breaks.
or maybe you got so used to my being helpful and strong, that you forgot.

you tell me that it hurts you to see me leaving.
and i wish i could take it as such. but you could be saying those words to lure me back in. to win me over so that you have back what you lost. so that you have back the person so strong, so eager, so persistent and all of it for your cause.

i too wish i could stay.
wish we could grow side by side.
but you told me not to trust you when you didn’t have my back.
all of it after i carried you for so long. after i had loaded on to me what was too much for you, after I held steady while everything was breaking.

i wished you would show me you try,
try to ease my pain.
i wish you would have offered me a hug, a bandaid and a warm home. just like i did for you.

my believe in the good in humans took a dent. a dent with your shape.
my heart took a scratch, not yet healed, possibly leaving a scar.

i wish we could have stayed, remained each others good.
it all fell so quickly.

we never forced you to.
no, no you asked me to and that made it worse.
you explained the situation and that made it worse.
you told me no one could do it so you needed me and that made it worse.

you never forced me to. you pleaded with me.
and i will tell you a million times if it eases your conscience.
that you did not force me to.
but it doesn’t change mine.

you made me question myself, you made me ask who i am.
maybe that is the good that i am taking from this.
that i can fall asleep tonight with no guilt pulling me away from the dreaming.
that i stand over who i am, in the way i stayed and the way i left.

i took care of you so many days, but when it came to me you never asked.
so when i needed it you weren’t there.
and maybe it is on me for so rarely needing the protection,
that I got you used to not having to carry me.
so that the one time i needed cover, i was left unprotected, wounds left to bleed.

i am breathing again.
that’s where i am at.
you never forced me to. you expected me to.
and maybe that’s worse.
when someone tells you who they expect you to be,
while you find yourself backed into a corner having to make a move.

you never forced me.
you created a situation that was dire, again and again,
without resolution, without air left.

you never forced me to.
and yet you broke me.
you pushed me to my limits until I snapped.
snapped and left.
so yes, it hurts me to be leaving.
and no you never forced me to.
you made it hard to stay,
you made it hard to find worth in myself if I stayed,
you told me who to be,
and left me hanging when I needed you.
you never forced me to, but you made it easier to leave than to stay.
and there is force in that.

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