positive, no matter what

how I know I am doing good enough

growing up seems to have taught me that there will always be something.
there will always be pain in some corners of my life,
there will always be something I am loosing, something I am failing, something I am not.
but there is also always something I am doing, something I am doing well at, something that is growing for good and something I am adding.

growing up showed me, that there is never a time when everything is just one of these sides.
I might be doing well in work and education but loosing or missing out on a lot socially. months later I am growing a lot socially but slacking at my education and career growth.
I might be doing well in my home and working out regularly but have a month in the minus financially. other months I might be doing a financial plus but barely got any workouts in or didn’t cook healthy as often as I want to.

growing up has taught me to enjoy the middle ground.
I have become someone who always holds space for both sides.
I can talk about the pain, the mistakes, the misfortunes in one moment and yet allow the growing, the good and the beauty to show up seconds later.
feeling proud and seeing spaces in which to grow, existing next to each other day to day.
messages from people I want to invest more into and people I want to invest less into sitting in the same inbox.
places I want to be more often and places I want to be less often both part of my day.
habits I want to reduce and others I want to increase.
things I want to leave behind and others I want to integrate in the future.

I stopped dreaming of the true good side, where everything is only good.
and it might seem sad upon reading it but trust me it is not. it means,
I understand now that the good needs the bad in order to exist in the first place. that the light only exist cause the dark does to.
we recognise a good person that we want to hold on to because we also recognise the contrary, the ones that we don’t want to hold on to.
we recognise the growth because we recognised the lack in the first place.
we recognise the happiness because we saw the sadness.

I stopped hoping for the good day but rather hoped for my favourite day, cause my favourite day leaves space for all of the human experiences.
to live only a part of a life, only one side of a life, could never be the whole experience, so when I cry, I cry with all my sadness and when I smile I smile with all my happiness. when I run I run with all my energy and when I sleep I sleep with all my tiredness.

along the way I learned to see the good in the bad and the bad in the good.
I learned to enjoy the lightness after a sad cry and learned to hold space for the emptiness after days filled with joy, for I know the contrast will be there too, every day. I welcome it again and again and allow it to show me all of me.

I wouldn’t be me without the pain, the scars, the trauma, the fear.
I wouldn’t be me without the happiness, the love, the pride.

I read the good stories with happy endings and the sad stories that leave broken hearts behind.
I want my life to be both.
I want my life to be the happy ending and the empty, the loss, the pain.

I look at it with grace and admiration, with gratitude and pleasure because of its wholeness, because it holds all of me, every day.