I will leave you untouchable
a letter to someone I shouldn't have fallen for but did
hey,
it is a good thing that you will never read this and yet there are so many things I want to tell you.
You know how there are people you shouldn’t fall in love with. Like Fleabag was never supposed to fall in love with the priest, how Meredith and Dr.Shepherd were never supposed to know each other outside the hospital. I am not supposed to know you outside of work.
Our work structure would never allow us to be anything outside of work. So when you opened that door and described me as a friend whom it doesn’t feel like work with, I know it was meant as a compliment.
I want you to enjoy your work and to be surrounded by people you delight in while making your pay check.
I want you to like me.
But you know just as well as I do that people who have a standing as complicated as ours, that we are not meant to be friends. We are not meant to have feelings for one another.
I don’t know whether I blocked you off as harsh as I did because I was scared of you actually wanting to be friends or whether it was the fear that I might find myself incapable of being that, if we were to cross the line. Cause if I am being honest I have been falling for you, desperately and incomprehensibly. I have no idea when it started or when I realised it. But it is real, right now it is as true as it can be, that you make me curious in a way that I shouldn’t be. So crossing the line of our work-relationship would take away the only thing that has stopped me from obsessing over my feelings. It has served as a fence shutting me off from that part of my inner world.
You are off limits no matter how much I want you not to be. I have no permission to want you the way I do.
Please promise me you won’t cross the line, okay?
Cause I will stand in front of you with my knees dropping to the floor unable to hide what I have been hiding so long. I can’t sit down for a drink with you, cause I can’t promise to not look at you like the work of art that you are.
Just the thought of you in anything but your work clothes makes me weak. It shouldn’t. We both know it shouldn’t.
Allow me to leave you untouchable in my mind. I beg you don’t dare me.
You have the power to make a fool of me. I beg you don’t do it.
Promise me to conform to the social norms for once, even though I love when you don’t. I beg you don’t challenge yourself to it.
You can let me go today, you can give me my freedom back. I beg you don’t play with me.
Some people are strong enough to withstand you but I am like water running down your body and building a puddle on the ground beneath your feet. I am like the sun wanting to warm your body even through your clothes.
When I indulge in my thoughts of you I loose any track of time, just like maladaptive daydreaming, and they claim it a sickness but I could never call something in relation to you a sickness, when you are all the healing I have ever gotten.
How I am making a fool of myself on this page tells me all I need to know moving forward. There is no ‘us’, there is no exploring the potential of it. I am already lost in you despite everything telling me not to.
My heart was never supposed to quicken with your name, but it does. The only way to stop it is by keeping my distance and by hoping it will fade.
I am hoping that my devotion to you will fade, not because I don’t want you, but because I know that I was never supposed to think about the possibility of us in the first place.
If I could go back to the first time the thought appeared I would not wish it away, for it has been bittersweet. But I would tell myself to enjoy it while it lasts in my fantasy and to leave before it turns into heartbreak.
My heart is broken, not by you, but by the possibility of us, that was unreachable before it even existed.
I want you to find a lover as devoted to you as I would be.
But our storyline must end here.
With all my heart,
see you tomorrow.
It feels wild to ask anyone to follow me after this, so just let me know whether you ever fell for someone you shouldn’t have or whether it is just me making a fool of myself 💔